Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

I went for my martial art class over the weekend and we were talking about self defence.  I remember arguing with my brothers-in-arms that one of the best male disarming techniques a girl has against any man would be the Spear, Grab, Twist & Pull.  I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on where said technique should be applied to.

After a lot of cringing and involuntary knee closures, the boys were telling me that as a female (regardless of the butch factor), one really has NO IDEA what it feels like to have two extremely sensitive appendages dangling rather precariously off one’s nether region AND how much it really fucking hurts to have your jewels get whacked.

I admit it.  I really have no idea.  I’ve seen a man vomit all over himself after I Jackie Chan-ed his dingle-dangles.  I’ve been to tournaments where inevitably someone would pass out from a bone-crushing kick to the crotch.  I watch World Cup football where people stop devastating goal kicks with their huevos.  But I really have no clue. 

I also don’t understand the male need to scratch that general area constantly!  Some of my mates tell me that it’s an unconscious tic of sorts.  Others tell me that they are just checking to make sure that their buddies are still there. (?!?!?)

Honestly though gentlemen, if you do need to readjust or give in to the primal urge to claw your baubles, do it in PRIVATE.  Private as in, alone behind closed doors.  Not IN YOUR PRIVATES!!!

There is nothing more repulsive than to [scritch] watch a guy hustle [scritch] his testicles [scritch] yeah [scritch] aahhh [scritch scritch] oh… yeah [scritch scritch scritch].  PLEASE!!!

So why the bally bits?  My friend who works at a country club, recently had the most odious task to write a very sensitive letter to 3 club members (no pun intended) who were caught on several occasions brazenly shaving their balls together in the steam room of the men’s locker, après golf.

My friend is currently in tears and in trauma over the matter over how to delicately write the letter without mentioning hairy balls yet making the point loud and clear.  I’ve opted to help her out but I’m not sure if she will actually use my letter as I may be a bit too… well… Ballsy.  Pun definitely intended.

—

Dear Harry, Dick & Tom:

It has recently come to the attention of the administrative staff that the three of you have, on several occasions been observed by other members to be shaving your arse cracks and ball sacs in the steam room of the men’s lockers.

Please be advised that ball shaving is NOT permitted in our public facilities.  We would like to firmly suggest that you gentlemen relocate the grooming of your nether regions to a more suitable locale. Unless of course the appeal of the public steam room is that you enjoy massively oversharing the camaraderie of your fellow ball-shavers and prefer to complete the act of baldifying your nuts in the company of others?

Is it that you need your friends to tell you if you missed a spot?  Perhaps your fellow members of the Smooth Testes Club can step in and get those hard to reach areas for you; like the perineum, which we understand can be difficult to see while you’re bending over at the waist with your left leg thrown up over your shoulder.

Please note that we, the administrative staff understand your plight.  None of us enjoy hairy goat testicles either.  We also understand that the three of you are fine, young heartthrobs whose entire reputations rest upon the immaculate hairlessness of your entire bodies. 

We are aware that you cannot be expected to be out in public with a hirsute pubic region because the moment you remove your designer denims for the first time in front of your chosen lady for the night she will be horrified at your ungroomed gonads and your reputations will be ruined forever.  Seriously.  We do get this.

However, dear sirs, we need to highlight that the complaints were made by members over the age of 70.  They were horrified to witness your activities in the steam room.  One of them is now in intensive care.

We urge you to please try to be sensitive and respectful to your elder members, as they come from a different generation where men not only did not assist in the shaving of their friends’ balls, they didn’t shave their own either.  It is unheard of to them and if any of you have watched retro porn flicks where all the stars sport massive bushes, you would know this to be true.

These elderly gentlemen do not know that times have changed since the days of tumbleweed pubes.  They do not understand this newfangled nonsense of metrosexuality and Brazilian wax jobs on either sex.

Please refrain from barging your way into our office to scream at us.  We already know what you young and hairless men have to put up with in that steam room and we apologise.  We feel your suffering at having to look at 70-80 year old men spread eagled, displaying their trinkets and practically tea-bagging the floor when they hobble arthritically from steam room to shower.

We also agree that it is extremely hypocritical for these elderly gentlemen - with decades worth of hair accumulation in an area that the unfortunate male pattern baldness does not affect, not to mention the fact that their sagging sacs are the size of grapefruits and strongly resemble an electrocuted dandelion gone to seed – to have a right to complain about you three just trying to clean things up.

We are really sorry but please, shave your damn balls at home so that we don’t have to listen to Sol Grundy and Ivan Kovacevic say the word ‘testicles’ to us ever again.

Yours Sincerely,

The Administrative Staff of Posh Country Club

P/S:  Why not try laser hair removal?  That will make ball shaving obsolete.

—

You know what?  I thank God everyday that my ovaries exactly where they are.  I relish in the fact that I can do leg splits and the catwalk and wear tight pants without needing to adjust what’s in my knickers every 2 seconds or go into a falsetto tone of voice.  I guess from now on I’ll take your fragile little lefties & righties into consideration before making any more spear-grab-twist-&-pull comments.  Or I’ll just flick ‘em really hard for you.  Or crack out the cold wax kit.  MUAhAHaHahAh!

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 4th, 2007 at 11:52 pm and is filed under Gripes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.