Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

I was in the shower this morning when I noticed that my recently waxed armpits have several small and nasty red bumps on them…  EEK!  I hate hate hate ingrown hairs!

WHY on earth do women even need body hair anyway?  It serves no purpose aside from spreading BO.  I think I spend about 2 to 3 years of my life trying to be rid of it. 

Did I mention the massive cost involved in body hair removal?  Tweezers, wax strips, razors, epilators, depilatory creams; these things don’t come cheap y’know!  Especially over the course of a lifetime!

Why DO we do it anyway?  For you guys of course!  I know of many who tell me that they find the idea of a girl with pubes repulsive.  What the &%@#?!?

DO YOU HAVE ANY FLAMING IDEA HOW MUCH IT COST FOR A BRAZILIAN EACH TIME?!?!?!?

EIGHTY FREAKING DOLLARS!!!   And do you know how long it takes before it gets fuzzy again???  THREE FREAKING WEEKS!!!  AND DO YOU EVEN REALISE HOW BLOODY PAINFUL it is???

So they tell me, "then don’t wax, just shave!"

Shave indeed!  Uneven terrain, high sensitivity, low visual contact and you want me to scrape a double/triple blade across that area?!?!?

AARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  You come here and I’ll show you what it feels like and you can ‘take it like a man‘ you piece of shit!

Some days I really HATE being a girl.  The worst bit is the double standard!  It’s ok for guys to be fat, hairy, smelly and disgusting but girls have to be all skinny and pretty and hairless and fart free.

Fine.  We diet.  Then you asshats complain that we keep talking about dieting, that we don’t eat anything, that we aren’t living life to the fullest because we are depriving ourselves.  The equation is simple.  Women who eat like starving demons are fat.  Like me.  You can bite my jelly doughnuts.

Then there’s the makeup issue.  You dingbats whinge about how natural beauty is better.

Let me clue you bozos in.  There is no such thing as NATURAL BEAUTY!!!

You want natural?  Sure, stop doing stuff to your hair.  No more colouring, brushing, cutting, shaving, rebonding, perming or treatments.  Stop wearing contact lenses.  Stop shaving altogether – legs, crotch, armpits, etc.  Stop brushing your teeth (no whitening either), stop bathing, stop applying cologne/deodorant/perfume.  Stop deliberately training your muscles.  Stop clipping your fingernails and toenails.   Stop applying your creams and potions.  Stop piercing and tattooing yourselves.  Just let it all hang out.

You will now be ‘naturally beautiful’.  Like the creature from the Black Lagoon.   Appealing ain’t it?

So when is a woman most beautiful?  On her WEDDING DAY!!!  And guess what?  She is ALWAYS wearing makeup!  I’d like to see you let your wife walk down the aisle flaunting the giant zit on her chin, looking like the haggard, sleepless zombie that she is after all the preparations.   Hello Corpse Bride!

Let’s get real.  Even when you die, your carcasses will be sporting makeup.   And the real truth is that we women go through all this trouble to be skinny, pretty, hairless, sweet smelling etc for you boys.  Sometimes I think what’s the bloody freaking point?   We make the effort but we are not appreciated for it, AND we get criticised to boot.  Sigh.

Here’s a bit of advice gentlemen:  next time you want to open your traps, think before inserting your feet.  We women don’t need you as backseat drivers, food critiques, fashion police, etc.  And always remember – we have something called PMS.  Don’t mess with that.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 7th, 2006 at 8:12 pm and is filed under Gripes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.