Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

My addiction is back.  Merentha is back.  I am going to burn in text hell.

Okay for those of you who don’t know what the HECK I’m going on about you can read my previous blog about Merentha here.  Come back when you’re done with that.

The server crashed for several months and I was enjoying my freedom; and then the administrators resurrected the server.  News travelled down the line and voilá here we are, hacking and slashing our way to becoming Legends.

It’s an obsession really:

- We steal time off work to log in a few rounds of fighting.

- We sneak around our family members to have a few minutes to obtain equipment.

- We drop everything IRL (in real life) to get on when we get the news that there’s an outlaw with a massive gold bounty on its head.

- Heck, some of us even travel thousands of miles IRL to get together with your RPG (Role Playing Game) mates!  Yes Jeroen, that’s you.  J

My sister recently came across several RPG cartoons done by these two computer geeks/geniuses – Mike Krahulik & Jerry Holkins.  I decided to share these with y’all because it really reflects on what life is like on the game.

The first one is my absolute favourite.  Someone tell me why all RPG chicks need to be in scanty clothes?  Cye’Ren, don’t give me the excuse that it is so because men code and play RPGs.  I know truckloads of girls who game too.  What about us?

The second one is so true.  Ursa and I have had this conversation before.  I can see a lot of you Merentha denizens and gamers nodding in agreement.

My sis loved the third one.  It’s self explanatory.

Tune in again folks, I can feel more RPG blogs coming your way!

I was in the shower this morning when I noticed that my recently waxed armpits have several small and nasty red bumps on them…  EEK!  I hate hate hate ingrown hairs!

WHY on earth do women even need body hair anyway?  It serves no purpose aside from spreading BO.  I think I spend about 2 to 3 years of my life trying to be rid of it. 

Did I mention the massive cost involved in body hair removal?  Tweezers, wax strips, razors, epilators, depilatory creams; these things don’t come cheap y’know!  Especially over the course of a lifetime!

Why DO we do it anyway?  For you guys of course!  I know of many who tell me that they find the idea of a girl with pubes repulsive.  What the &%@#?!?

DO YOU HAVE ANY FLAMING IDEA HOW MUCH IT COST FOR A BRAZILIAN EACH TIME?!?!?!?

EIGHTY FREAKING DOLLARS!!!   And do you know how long it takes before it gets fuzzy again???  THREE FREAKING WEEKS!!!  AND DO YOU EVEN REALISE HOW BLOODY PAINFUL it is???

So they tell me, "then don’t wax, just shave!"

Shave indeed!  Uneven terrain, high sensitivity, low visual contact and you want me to scrape a double/triple blade across that area?!?!?

AARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  You come here and I’ll show you what it feels like and you can ‘take it like a man‘ you piece of shit!

Some days I really HATE being a girl.  The worst bit is the double standard!  It’s ok for guys to be fat, hairy, smelly and disgusting but girls have to be all skinny and pretty and hairless and fart free.

Fine.  We diet.  Then you asshats complain that we keep talking about dieting, that we don’t eat anything, that we aren’t living life to the fullest because we are depriving ourselves.  The equation is simple.  Women who eat like starving demons are fat.  Like me.  You can bite my jelly doughnuts.

Then there’s the makeup issue.  You dingbats whinge about how natural beauty is better.

Let me clue you bozos in.  There is no such thing as NATURAL BEAUTY!!!

You want natural?  Sure, stop doing stuff to your hair.  No more colouring, brushing, cutting, shaving, rebonding, perming or treatments.  Stop wearing contact lenses.  Stop shaving altogether – legs, crotch, armpits, etc.  Stop brushing your teeth (no whitening either), stop bathing, stop applying cologne/deodorant/perfume.  Stop deliberately training your muscles.  Stop clipping your fingernails and toenails.   Stop applying your creams and potions.  Stop piercing and tattooing yourselves.  Just let it all hang out.

You will now be ‘naturally beautiful’.  Like the creature from the Black Lagoon.   Appealing ain’t it?

So when is a woman most beautiful?  On her WEDDING DAY!!!  And guess what?  She is ALWAYS wearing makeup!  I’d like to see you let your wife walk down the aisle flaunting the giant zit on her chin, looking like the haggard, sleepless zombie that she is after all the preparations.   Hello Corpse Bride!

Let’s get real.  Even when you die, your carcasses will be sporting makeup.   And the real truth is that we women go through all this trouble to be skinny, pretty, hairless, sweet smelling etc for you boys.  Sometimes I think what’s the bloody freaking point?   We make the effort but we are not appreciated for it, AND we get criticised to boot.  Sigh.

Here’s a bit of advice gentlemen:  next time you want to open your traps, think before inserting your feet.  We women don’t need you as backseat drivers, food critiques, fashion police, etc.  And always remember – we have something called PMS.  Don’t mess with that.

Dear readers, Jasmine has been very sick.    Fever, sore throat, dizzy spells and nausea was the centre of my life for the past 4 days.   And guess what?  Halloween came and went leaving me with nothing more than drug induced hallucinations.

Sigh.  I missed Halloween.  The folks in this here fine country don’t really celebrate All Hallows Eve, but some do try to make an effort.  Although they are mostly in the money making business but still, I will very fondly recall my Star Wars costume wearing days.

Yes you heard me right; Star Wars.

You may laugh and you may bite my bagel buns.

But right now I’m not talking about the candy filled version of Trick or Treating.   I’m talking industrial strength antibiotics, sandpaper and brain frying temperatures in a centrifuge machine.   Did I also mention the vomit? 

Be warned, what you will see in this blog is not for the faint hearted.   Please fasten your seatbelts and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

Welcome to Jasmine’s House of Horrors.

Imagine a world where

NORMAL

is a very edible delicacy.  The beasties are hungry and restless and they prowl the streets in search for fresh blood.  I was walking along when I saw across the street a whole bunch of ‘em snarling at me like rabid dogs.   I run for my life. 

Harajuku girls were chasing me down the streets with staple guns, each and every freak trying to make me a pincushion.  I skidded around the corner and EEK!

Here was another knot of ghosties, all prepared to skewer me into shish-kebab with their pointed fingernails.   Zombies covered in blood scratched.  Demented Elvis Presley look-alikes swiveled their hips.   Blue haired girls covered in paint and feathers howled.

Breathless from running, I turned into a bar for cover.  As the freaky horde stampeded by, I breathed again.  But even that was short lived.

Inside the dive, there were more freaks!  Men, but all dressed as women.   Not the pretty lady-boys mind you. The hairy, ugly, fat and smelly variety.

I was trapped. 

I turned to the window and I spot a superhero!  Wonder Woman will save me…

Oh no wait…  AAH SHE’S ONE OF THEM!!!

—

Cold sweat.  That’s all I have to say about that.  Be afraid people.  Be VERY afraid.