Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

Its 2pm on Monday afternoon.  Everyone and their aunts are out for lunch.  The roads are jammed up the yin-yang.  The damn lights are refusing to change and when it does it lets a total of THREE cars through.  That is if those three drivers are blessed with quick reflexes.  If not, only ONE slowpoke crawls through to the chagrin of the rest of us waiting in line.  After waiting for 25 minutes, you are now 3^rd in line.  The green light comes on.  The 1st driver zooms across quickly but the 2^nd idiot fumbles with his clutch and to your horror the lights change. 

It’s Kobayashi Maru.  The dreaded ‘no win’ scenario.  The Devil and the deep blue sea.

What would you do?  Your options are now: 1) Accelerate and stick on driver #2 like crazy glue and ride out the amber/red light and risk incurring the wrath of the long arm of the law, or 2) Bite the bullet and wait out another change of lights.

In my defence I was on an empty stomach and a full bladder so I went with option #1.  Round the corner I went as the lights blinked red and as Murphy-san would have it, there was a copper waiting for his meal ticket.  Me.

Flashing his lights he motions for me to pull over.  Grousing, I jerk my car into the curb.  He takes his own sweet time walking up to me.  I crack my window open and stick my driving licence through the tiny slit.  He waves for me to open the window.  I shake my head defiantly.  His face contorts in annoyance as he waves for me to open my window again.  Once more, I shake my head. 

Losing his temper now, he waves for me to open my window for the 3^rd time.  I say clearly out the crack that I can hear him fine, and vice versa.  I swear his eyes almost bug out over his cheap sunglasses as he screams at my window, “lampu merah!”  For you single-linguals, it means ‘red light’.  I shrug and stare stonily back at him.  If he thinks I’m going to be cowed with a show of temper he’s got another thing coming. 

Visibly trying to calm down as to not lose his free meal; he leans intimidatingly into my window and growls, “macam mana?”  Oh ho!  He’s asking me the equivalent of How Now Brown Cow. 

It’s Kobayashi Maru once more.  The rock and a hard place.

What would you do?  Options now are: 1) Get a $350 ticket and a black mark on your driving record, or 2) Buy him a free meal.  Get a ticket or bribe the copper for half that price.  I’m not beneath grovelling for a Get Out of Jail Free Pass but honestly, the fastest way to raise my blood pressure is to ask me for a bribe. 

I.  Hate.  That.

So I went with option #1.  Levelling my Death Stare at him and I incinerate all his hopeful thoughts of a quick buck.  I spit out every word, “Write.  The.  Ticket.”

I swear I heard his sphincter pop.  He snatches my licence and proceeds to write me up.  It must be a new experience for him not to have a quivering idiot behind the wheel.  He is PISSED off.

Stomping back to my window, he jams my licence through the tiny opening in my window.  Again (like it will achieve anything) he waves for me to open my window.  I very casually depress the automated button and my window rolls down 2 inches.  Do you know that it’s very amusing to watch a cop visibly making a massive effort not to succumb to road rage?  Smiling beatifically at him, I casually pull out my camera phone and *SNAP* I take a picture of him.  I grin as he sputters in disbelief.

I can see that he would like nothing more than to kick my door in but seeing that I now have a record of this encounter, he is powerless.  I love technology.

Biting off a curse and gesticulating wildly he shouts at me in broken English, “You no open window, how to sign?!?”

Blinking innocently at him I reply, “According to my mathematical calculations of space, I’m sure the clipboard will have no problems fitting through.”

Snarling, he thrusts the clipboard and his pen through the 2 inch gap and I take my time looking through the ticket, making sure he spelt everything correctly and generally making him stand like a buffoon in the blazing hot sun while I sit in the comforts of my air-conditioned car.  Finally after 5 whole minutes, I sign the ticket.

He rips off the ticket and stuffs the piece of paper towards me, almost getting his fingers clipped in my rapidly closing window.  Snatching his hand back in shock, he mutters something totally unprintable.  I wait till he mounts his bike before I cut him off on the road.  I damn near piss in my pants laughing when he gives me the one finger salute before roaring off.

Sometime in life one will encounter Kobayashi Maru.  I say if you have nowhere to run, get your jollies in first.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a ticket to pay.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 at 7:40 pm and is filed under Gripes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.