Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

Ever hear this joke about a sheltered young miss who got married?  She called her mother in fit of tears after only a week of matrimony saying that her husband was abusing her with dirty 4 letter words that she’s never heard him use before!  Panicked, her mother asked what words were those.  And the young lady replied tearfully, “wash, wipe, iron, cook, dust, save…”

Speaking of dirty 4 letter words; DIEt *ick* is something I never want to hear ever again.  Unfortunately for me, I have a sweet tooth, a hearty appetite and chubby genetics to combat so that’s the way the sugar laden cookie crumbles.  It’s not like I’m obese though.  I’m just a wee bit padded out around the (Buddha) belly and the (baby got) backside.  I just have to lose some weight (who am I kidding – I need to lose about 8kgs) so I have to cut back the food intake.  Sigh.  Either that or cut off a limb.  Since that is not a valid option, DIEt *ick* it is.  But I’ll be sad to lose my stacked rack and appley-dappley cheeks though…

In the meantime, no more scarfing an entire pizza by myself; no more Emmenthaler cheese stuffed sausages; no more sausage and egg McMuffins with hash browns; no more Boston Cream doughnuts; no more peanut butter M&Ms; no more chocolate truffles; no more beer battered and deep fried fish n’ chips; no more Tiramisu and chocolate banana cheesecake; no more Bailey’s Irish Cream ice cream with Tia Maria, whipped cream and chocolate dipped cherries; no more beer; no more lobsters, oysters, prawns and squid; no more Swiss cheese fondue with ham, apples and crusty white bread; no more char koey teow, mee goreng, garlic double cheese naan, roti telur, prawn mee, nasi lemak and assam laksa; no more buttered scones and shortbread; no more bacon, eggs and French toast with maple syrup; no more hot chocolate and marshmallows; no more steak with baked potatoes; no more hot dogs with mustard and extra cheese;  no more this, no more that, no more no more no more!!!!!

AARGH!!! I’m just about hyperventilating here.  Notice that all the yummy foods I have to give up involve dairy, sugar, oil, batter, red meat and carbohydrates?  ALL THE YUMMY FOOD GROUPS!!!  AARGH!!!  Kill me now.  Put me out of this misery.  Honestly I’d rather eat and be fat and happy than not eat and be skinny and miserable.  I swear, DIEt *ick* is the DIRTIEST 4 LETTER WORD!  EVER!!! 

I now can only drink meal replacement shakes 3 times a day, swallow vitamins by the handful, completely cut out all refined sugar and complex carbohydrates, only eat light fruits and blanched vegetables, no food after 8pm, no drinks aside from water and unsweetened tea… That’s not the end of it – I have to do this for 2 freaking months!  And after that I can’t just go back to my old stuffing-myself-stupid ways, I still have to do that ‘controlled portion’ thingy.  Sigh.  *loops up the noose, sharpens the disemboweling knife, loads the Smith & Wesson and prepares for the end*

Why you ask, must I subject myself to this masochistic torture?  Because my doctor has told me that I’m slowly but surely loosing the never ending epic of the caloric war to my seam bursting chubby genetics and with that (right alongside my unsightly fat arse, thunder thighs and loose bulges of flab everywhere) heralds my hereditary predisposition to diabetes and heart disease.

I hear a lot of you moaning that I’m not fat.  No I’m not.  Not yet anyway.  Intervention and prevention i.e. DIEt *ick* is my (torturous) road to salvation.

So next time you wanna go out with me for a m-e-a-l, please remember that I’m on a D-I-E-t *ick* and make sure that we go to a place that serves low fat, low salt and low taste f-o-o-d so I don’t have to suffer alone! 

And for the record, S-A-L-E is the only good 4 letter word out there!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 7th, 2006 at 1:06 am and is filed under Gripes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.