Rants & Raves of Jasmine’s Fiction

i couple of weeks ago I went for dinner with a mate and somewhere between my salmon steak and his pasta we started talking about our underwater exploits.  The deep water kind - NOT the deep throat kind!

The discussion was going swimmingly (pun intended), right up till we started talking about sharks.  Yes, the largest carnivore on the planet.  About 500 kilos of pure muscle and with 300 odd teeth that grow constantly, these aerodynamically shaped killers strike awe & fear into our hearts and overactive imaginations…  Personally I think sharks are fascinating creatures.  I have a healthy respect for them but when I’m underwater, I do not go out of my way looking for them! 

Anyway, my mate was talking about the time he went diving off the coast of Sabah in Borneo, looking for hammerhead sharks.  Now these sharks are not exactly the friendliest things on the planet- they’re extremely territorial, perpetually pissed off, they have been known to munch on humans AND they swim in schools.  So by default if you go looking for one hammerhead, you’re going to find its brothers and sisters as well!  Now call me chicken but I have a very healthy fear for an (or in the case of hammerheads, 50 or so) animal(s) that has a very high probability of making me its afternoon snack.  I’ll explain my reasons later but to keep from digressing, on with my mate’s story.  He was diving with 5 other people, all hoping to catch a glimpse of these awesome underwater meat eaters and he was swimming at the back of the pack, lagging behind.  Suddenly as he closed in on the group he realises that they have all stopped swimming and are all pointing and waving at him.

Now usually when people wave and point at you the first thing most people do is to check their person for something amiss; which is exactly what my mate did.  The pointing and the waving then continued at more frantic speeds and FINALLY my mate who was probably high on oxygen got what they were trying to tell him – that there was a hammerhead swimming right behind him!  He spun around just in time to see its tail before it swam away into the blue yonder…  Of course he had to be the only one that didn’t get to see any sharks and he was understandably, suitably upset.  To make matters worse the others took the piss out of him the whole trip back.  Not the funnest of dives, he tells me.

My story with sharks is a little more ‘personal’ in the very up close sort of way…  I was in the islands with a girlfriend and we sailed a two man catamaran out to the open water.  We (stupidly) sailed so far out that we actually lost sight of the shoreline.  At that point I was ready to turn back – without my scuba gear and a very large knife I’m a little nervous about open water like that.  But my dear mate (she’s the person who organises the Fear Factor reality TV series so you can only imagine what kind of girl she is) is quite fearless and she decides that it’s hot and the water’s cold and very inviting, lets go take a dip!  I’m obviously a little freaked out but not wanting to be a chook, I idiotically agreed.  So with a splash we are swimming around the boat when suddenly BUMP!  Right against my right leg, just above my knee!  Imagine getting hit by the bumper of a mid to large sized car going about at 20-25kmph.  The bruising is approximately from hip to about mid-calf and it lasts for about 3 WEEKS.  Anyway.

So obviously I was boggling WTF?!?  I yell out to her that something VERY LARGE, leathery and very rough just rammed into my leg.  The next thing we both see circling the boat is a MASSIVE, and when I say MASSIVE I mean about 2 metres long, torpedo shaped creature with a very scarred dorsal fin crest the surface.  If your marine biology is up to scratch you would know that the ONLY two living creatures on this PLANET that is shaped like a torpedo with a dorsal fin attached is a dolphin…   Or a shark. 

Tell me YOU won’t freak out right there and then if you were in our places – I’ll show you a liar.

The shark (I know its not a dolphin because sharks, like all cold blooded fish wave their tails from left to right; dolphins and other mammals wave their tails up to down and this bugger was DEFINITELY waving its tail from left to right) then circled the boat with barely a ripple and then BUMP!  My mate was the next to get hit.  There and then, all her courage evaporated and she started to scramble back onto the boat.  Trying to get back onto a catamaran without help and when you’re panicking is no small task.  There was a whole lot of splashing involved and that’s bad because sharks like splashing because it indicates an injured fishy and that in turn indicates a Happy Meal. 

As calmly as I could, I told my mate to stop splashing about and just as she clambered back onto the boat BUMP!  She was tipped back into the water as the shark charged into the boat.  We watched in horror as the carnivore circled around us again.  At this point I honestly thought that we were going to be eaten.  I saw the torpedo shaped shadow coast towards me and then (I was expecting the CHOMP) BUMP!  Again it knocked into me!  The creature then surfaced again, disappeared and BUMP!  My mate was hit! 

The shark circled us several times after that without (thankfully) confrontation and then, deciding that is was bored of us or something, it swam away. Just like that.  And of course, without further ado we both dragged our very bruised and scratched up posteriors onto the boat and sped back to shore!  I never examined the boat to see if it the shark took a taste sample of ‘us’ but till this very day I thank my lucky stars that neither my mate nor I got to feel 300+ teeth making our body parts part with our bodies.  Neither do I sail a catamaran out on open water anymore! 

So now, the only close encounters I have with sharks are mostly done with crabmeat, some vinegar and a spot of brandy.  YUMMY!

What would you do if you were lost and trapped deep in the depths of the catacombs crawling with undead corpses hell bent on ripping the flesh from your bones; AND you have run out of healing salves and all your orbs have vanished?

Or what would you do if you were walking along, minding your own business when a filthy shadow creeps up behind you and buries a shark tooth knife in your back?

And what would you do if you were sailing as fast as your leaky schooner will take you, trying to get away with whatever limbs you have left as a pirates ship filled with the meanest cutthroats nipping at your heels because you were stupid enough to fire your starboard cannons upon the ship?

Welcome to Merentha!  For the uninitiated; this is a text based, fantasy themed RPG (role-playing game).  I’m sure most of you will have seen graphic computer games where buffed up heroes and scantily clad heroines run around hacking and slashing demons and monsters.  Text based games are the same – the sole objective is to kill as many monsters as you can, as fast as you can without getting yourself killed in the process; and the only difference is that instead of pictures it uses words to describe everything.  This is not a game for slow readers!

It’s a MUD or Multi User Dimension where the game is hosted on a server and people from around the world can access this server and play.  It’s run by ‘Immortals’, basically the people who code the MUD and ensure that the rules are adhered to by the players.  Break the rules and you will get ‘dested’ (where your character is permanently deleted).

Interested?  Well then let’s get you started!  First you will need a character.  What do you want to be?  You can choose to be one of the mighty Fighters.  Not feeling so tough?  How about a stealthy Rogue instead?  Not sure how sneaky you feel?  Ok, you can try a nice, soft profession like a Cleric.  Too boring?  Let’s try a Monk then!  Still undecided?  How about some Magic in your life? 

Ok now for your character’s race.  Giants, Centaurs, Imps, Nymphs, Elves, Dwarves, Satyrs, Kobolds, Kenders, Faeries, Orcs, Drows, Gnolls, Werewolves, Artrells, Dragons, Goblins, Ogres, Halflings, Trolls, Hobbits or if you want to be boring, Humans too.  Oh and don’t forget to pick a cool name for your character!

You are now a newbie and you can start killing as many monsters as you wish!  Eventually you might want to join a guild or a kingdom/queendom, participate in the numerous ‘wars’ or special events that come up during the holiday seasons, solve quests and perform good deeds too. 

My mates and I have had some pretty fun times in Merentha.  Honestly for me, the really unforgettable events are the ones where my stupidity reigned supreme.  Like the time I opened fire upon the Pirate’s Ship and nearly got myself sunk to Davey Jones’ Locker.  Or the time I agreed to fight to the ‘death’ in the Arena with an Artrell Bard about 35 levels above me.  FYI – An Artrell is an insectoid species with FOUR arms; a Bard is a singing, knife wielding assassin with a special ‘fast’ attack; so basically I died standing at 16 hits per heartbeat. Then there’s me trying out my new, practically useless & BACKFIRING spells on monsters that could literally beat my head in with their bare fists.  And then one time I accidentally attacked a friend by mistake and got myself killed in the process, and him thrown into jail for killing me.

The best bit about these games is that one gets to meet lots of people who eventually become good friends.  I now interact with many of these players on a daily basis and I’ve even been ‘MUD-Married’ twice!  Unfortunately, MUDs are very much like real life as there are nice people and there are not so nice people.  One knows about players getting PK-ed (Player Kill) for rare armour, feuds that turn into full fledged wars, backstabbings & slander, contract killings & corpse looting – oh this list could go on.  But we focus on the fun and friendships and let me tell you what friendships they are!

Kudos goes out to all you Merentha citizens – Ursa (Bear of my life), Lost (my oldest and smelliest mate), Khayman (mutton munching vampire comrade), Cye’Ren (my Jedi Master), Whistlerick (my Murphy’s Law Magnet), Himiko (my EXP machine), Dalen (my crazy fishing Pirate), Briseis (my beloved guildmistress), Legato (my pimp daddy), Eplictees (my smile & pounce), Bacchanal (my tour guide), Merk (my MUD-hubby), Cirsta (my orange provider) and so many more people…  I can’t name everyone but rest assured that I’ve bitten each and everyone of you and I love you all for making Merentha such an enjoyable experience for me. 

Now who’s up for a party?

It was a dark and stormy night.  A fire crackled and danced in the fireplace.  She sat there in the shadows staring at the flames.  And she waited.

Suddenly an icy gust of wind swept through the room.  The fire vanished into ash.  In the darkness she knew she was not alone.  In the middle of the room, there He stood.  Shrouded and reeking of evil He beckoned her over.  Trembling, she stood to face Him.

“What do you seek?”  His voice was like Fire and Brimstone.

“I seek a love who knows not of mine for him.”

“And what do you want of this love?”  Ash and dust swirled about Him.

“I want him to return my love!”

“And what is it the price you offer?”  Despair wailed in the distance.

“The second half of my life I pledge to you.”

“It is done.”

And He was gone.  She was alone in the darkness.  And alone she wept.  But the next day the man she coveted returned her love tenfold.  For seven days and seven nights they lived in happiness.  And on the eight day, she died.

As she stood in chains before Him on His throne she screamed at Him in anger. 

“Why did you take me so soon?  I pledged half my life to you!” 

He smiled at her.

“Ah, but a fortnight was all you had left to live.”

Movie days and movie nights are all good in my book.  Popcorn, zone out factor, junk food, entertainment value and climate control for 2 odd hours is bliss.  What I also look forward to (aside from the actual movie of course) are the TRAILERS!  Those little sneak peeks and insights to the movie – Coming Soon to Theatres near You!!!

Of course there are trailers that look incredible and there’s the ones that you know deep down inside that the movie is going to suck.  Last night we were treated to a horror preview of (a little B-Grade I feel) a girl looking for her mother on a road trip with her friends and they end up at a very old nunnery. Of course, it’s haunted by a nun who wants to punish everyone by making them all meet their fates in similar ways like the martyrs of old i.e. electrocution, drowning, impalement etc.  I was too busy laughing (horror to some people is comedy to me) to catch the title of the movie but if you want a scare/laugh, I’m up for a cheesy b-grade horror flick anytime! 

The other trailer was something that all of us are looking forward to!  Yo Ho, Yo Ho It’s A Pirates’ Life For Me!!!  It’s the 2^nd installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean with the subtitle of Dead Man’s Chest and of course it’s not a Pirate movie without the ultimate pirate of all – the legendary Captain Jack Sparrow aka Johnny Depp.  Like its predecessor, Dead Man’s Chest is filled with CGI and completely riddled with bullets, swarming with swashbucklers, festooned with undead monsters and not forgetting the two lovely eye candies Will & Elizabeth Turner (Orlando Bloom *SCREAM* & Kiera Knightly *hubba-hubba* respectively).  ARR!

Anyway, for the actual movie last night we watched an all round feel good Disney movie (it’s Easter, only happy movies for now) about 8 little puppies frolicking in the snow.  I make it sound so fluffy.  It wasn’t.  [spoiler warning] Doggies die (and being the dog lover I am that’s BAD BAD BAD!).  Set in Antarctica and the onset of winter, a scientist goes to search for a piece of meteorite from Mars and in order to get him to the mountain a hot guide and a team of sled dogs (Siberian Huskies *aaw*) drag him to the mountain.

Cue scientist breaks his leg, fall into the icy cold water and hanging on for dear life and hot guide gets his doggies to save him, braving the coldest snowstorm in 25 years to get them back to base.  Cue hot girl pilot and comic relief friend and mean nasty boss to bundle them from the cold and insist that they fly directly back to civilization but because they have to evacuate all the people, there’s no room in the plane for the 8 doggies *cry* and the pups have to be left behind to face the blizzard.

Then guilt ridden hot guide tries to go back to the South Pole to save his babies to no avail.  The doggies are obviously not stupid and they break free of the chains (won’t spoil it for you as to which doggies don’t make it) and they fend for themselves battling cold, hunger, injury and a very mean leopard seal for about 6-7 odd months while the humans faff around trying to save them.

Anyway, happy endings (except for the poor pups that didn’t make it) for all when the humans finally get to the base and the doggies all come running.  Cue touching moments and the hot guide and hot girl pilot get together and the doggies are saved!!!  If you haven’t watched the movie, bring a blanket and some warm coffee or chocolate.  Don’t forget the tissues.  Then go home and cuddle and overfeed your dogs like I did.

Till then, Save Me Bones For Davey Jones, Savvy?  ARRR!

It’s that time of year again! That season for Eggs, Chocolate, Marshmallows and Bunny Rabbits. It’s also a mark of springtime and flowers. And I’m irked. I’m irked every year. I’m irked that most people celebrate this time with massive amounts of chocolate and pink fluffy bunny rabbits with egg baskets and not understand the TRUE meaning of Easter. Yes I’m splitting hares. But I’m irked. Kill the Rabbit. I hate commercialism!!!

In Catholicism, Easter marks the end of the 40 days of Lent – a period of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter, which begins on Ash Wednesday (or for some people, Mardi Gras on Tuesday first – sin as much as you can before you be good for 40 days after) and it ends on Easter Sunday. So traditionally, we Catholics will give up something important to our lives for those 40 days (I once tried to give up swearing but that didn’t go too well, and neither did the giving up of perfume & cosmetics another year) to commemorate the fasting of Jesus for those 40 days.

Then comes the special week before Easter:

The Sunday before is Palm Sunday to mark the entry of Jesus into Jerusalem, Thursday or 3 days before Easter is Holy Thursday to mark the Last Supper, and Friday or 2 days before Easter is Good Friday is to mark the Crucifixion. Saturday, the day before Easter is Holy Saturday.

The 3 days before Easter is sometimes referred to as the Easter Triduum or Latin for Three Days. Catholics like that number. So then we come to Easter Sunday, that officially marks the Resurrection of Jesus after his death on the cross. The entire season of Easter or Eastertide begins then up till the last day of Pentecost, which is 7 weeks later. A blog on Pentecost will happen when the time comes.

Anyway, Easter is actually a more important celebration than Christmas though commercialism dictates otherwise, AARGH! People decorate eggs and hide them in the garden (?!?) so when the kids wake up in the morning they have a reason to dig through the dirt for ‘treats that the Easter bunny brought’ though the rabbit’s motives for doing so is seldom clarified. It’s also an excuse to gorge oneself with the other treats that blasted rodent allegedly brought – chocolate and jelly beans being some. Then in the mass hypocrisy of it all these people will actually attend Church before going out to ‘Easter parties’…

People. Seriously. Going to Church on Easter Sunday doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger! AARGH!!!

The true way for celebrating Easter Sunday actually begins in darkness with the blessing of the Easter Fire and the lighting of the Paschal Candle (symbolic of the Risen Christ) and then the chanting of the Exultet. After the service of light, the reading of the Old Testament that tell the stories about the creation (where God brought forth Light), the sacrifice of Isaac (where Isaac’s dad was told to kill his only child in sacrifice to God, though if you know the story you’d know Abraham didn’t have to slit Isaac’s throat), the crossing of the Red Sea, (about Moses and the promise land), and the foretelling of the coming of the Messiah. After that we all sing Alleluia and the service climaxes with the proclamation of the gospel and the Resurrection. After that we all get splashed with holy water, partake in the Eucharist & Holy Communion; which is technically the eating of the Body of Christ and the drinking of his Blood. Ask me about this if you’re truly interested.

Anyway, I’ll wrap this up with my favourite bits from the Exultet:

This Passover feast

When Christ the true Lamb is slain

Whose blood consecrates the homes of all believers

This is the night

When Christ broke the chains of death

And rose triumphant from the grave!

May you all enjoy the true meaning of Easter and may your lives all be blessed, whether you believe in it or not. And personally, I’d kill that blasted rabbit, but I’d eat the chocolate!

These two weeks will mark the annual Chinese Cheng Meng Festival – or basically the festival of the dead.  It’s a time where families gather together to visit the final resting of ancestors long past and generally to eat drink and be merry. 

For quite a while in my life I though this practice was a little bizarre to say the least; we would pack for a picnic, drive to a cemetery and set out candles, joss sticks, paper ‘hell notes’ (pocket money to spend in the afterlife), roasted pork and steamed chicken with glutinous rice, fruits, sweet cakes, brandy and tea.  Then we would proceed to clean up the marked area and set out everything in its proper place.  As a small child my only job was to wave a plastic baggie around the food to keep the pesky insects away.  As I grew older that baggie waving task was given to my smaller cousins.  My job now is to provide shade; as in hold 2 ginormous umbrellas up and out of people’s way so that everyone can be sheltered from the unforgiving tropical sun. 

When everything is set out in the proper place, we will distribute the joss sticks (prayers for the deceased as the smoke rises to heaven) among the present family members and everyone will take turns (in accordance to age and rank) to ‘offer’ these prayers up.  Oh and someone in the family will also distribute joss sticks and sweet cakes to the ‘neighbours’…  And after all that is done, we join in the feasting.  When everything is eaten we then pack away the remnants and go home but before we enter the house we have to ‘cleanse’ ourselves with water purified with pomelo leaves and chrysanthemum flowers.  This whole scenario takes about 3 hours, tops.  Easy.

Technically our little ritual is generally quite simple.  Some families seem to prefer a more elaborate setup.  We have seen some families with various types of offerings from an ENTIRE roast pig to giant candles the size of large tree trunks to 20 metre long firecrackers!  We’ve also seen some larger families with the rented circus tent sized umbrellas complete with the industrial misting fans.  Some other families also bring ‘supplements’ to the ‘hell notes’ like paper ‘TVs’, ‘cars’, ‘cell phones’, ‘trophies’, ‘brandy’, ‘beer’, ‘magazines’, ‘DVD machines’ etc. all made from coloured paper to look like the real thing.  The companies that make these paper offerings normally make a killing, pardon the pun.  Those paper replicas are expen$$$ive!!!  A paper TV set can set you back a very real US$75, and a paper Mercedes can be about US$130 and houses with swimming pools, fully furnished can be up to US$1000!!!  It’s a serious business death.

I think it’s all good if your family can afford it.  Personally when I’ve shuffled off this mortal coil and kicked the proverbial bucket, I want to be cremated.  It’s a slightly less expensive affair and I do not need to suffer my next of kin to the annual clearing of my grave site.  I shall have it in my last will and testament that when I’m ashes to ashes and dust to dust, each year my next of kin shall take a small vial of my charred remains and go to a different Disneyland around the world and sprinkle it there.  All they have to do is to discreetly open the vial when they’re on the top of the Rolling Thunder Mountain rollercoaster and whoosh!  I think it’s a great way to spend my afterlife listening to the sounds of laughter and strains of “It’s A Small World”. After all, it is the happiest place on earth.  If all else fails, I can always be one of the ghosts that haunt the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride!  ARRR!!!  Yo Ho, Yo Ho, It’s A Pirates’ Life For Me!

Drink Up Me Hearties, Yo Ho!