EEEEEEE-Males!
Men irk me. They vex, irritate, aggravate, perplex, exasperate, annoy and bug me. Then again, I simply cannot imagine life without these irksome creatures – my father (AARGH!), my boyfriend (ggrrrrr), my mates (eesh), my cousins & uncles (hmmph) and so many others (pffftttt)… They drive me to the brink of insanity yet I love them all. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. Even the smelly ones! Yes Jamal, that’s YOU.
What irks me the most about men is that there are just some things that NO ONE can explain about them. Brace yourselves people, this is going to be a LONG rant! You know that email joke that keeps getting sent around – about how men are like laxatives or like the weather or like blenders? You know – how they irritate the crap out of you, how that nothing can be done to change them and how you know that you need one, just not quite sure why? Sigh. I have a list (yes I make lists – it’s therapeutic) of the most mind boggling and did I mention IRKSOME things that men do/are that I don’t get:
- like how they keep talking to my boobs. Or how they have completely NO muscular control over their necks and eyeballs whenever a scantily clad female sashays past.
- like their completely unwarranted, unchecked and full blown jealous streak (knee jerk? Pffffttttt)
- like their sexual fixations of girl on girl (what the? I don’t felt the need to look at fag porn, why the heck would guys want to look at lesbian porn boggles me)
- like their need for meat, speed and blowing shit up
- like their “stand alone complex” or worse, their “I want my mommy complex”
- like how the heck they can spend an entire day with their brother and not ask once if he’s going out with anyone
- like what makes them think those shoes/ that shirt/ those pants/ those boxers look good
- like their emotional scars leftover from primary school dodge-ball
- like why they feel the need to practice their golf swing in the shower (???)
- like how come they STILL earn 20% more than girls do (this REALLY bugs me)
- like how they can just cut out beer from their diet and drop 10 pounds instantly (AARGH!!!)
- like how they think that the players on TV can hear them yelling (this is kinda funny to watch though sometimes)
- like how they can sleep on THOSE sheets (all you girls who’s had to sleep on the funkiest smelling, thinnest thread count, inexplicably stained sheets scream now)
- like how they ALWAYS try to fall back on their perennial Plan B – Mom / Wife / Girlfriend / Sister will do it
- like their primal drive to buy the newest, most expensive, biggest toys (he who has most toys when they’re dead is invariably DEAD – and you can’t bring it with you!)
- like their aversion to condoms (allergies to latex my arse!)
- like their bizarre fear of children (???)
- like how they feel that it’s a total sellout to have a job that requires a suit (for the LAST time boys – girls LIKE men in suits – buy one and wear it without complaint! Be a MAN!)
- like how they ALWAYS make promises they KNOW they’ll break – because its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission (cue the eye rolling)
- like how they can coach you through childbirth and 3 weeks later they desperately want to have sex (I don’t know this for a fact but my married girlfriends tell me this is so)
- like air guitar
I actually have more on my list but I think I shall stop here for now. Don’t get me wrong people; I love all the men in my life, warts and all. Though some days they are more like the warts itself but what’s to do? Men. Sigh. I’ll say it again. Men irk me. They vex, irritate, aggravate, perplex, exasperate, annoy and bug me - especially when I KNOW that even if they’ve NEVER worked out a day in their lives they can always, ALWAYS lift their end of the couch! AARGH!!!!!!!!
Or that one day they wake up and decide that they’re ready to marry you…
